Making use of Leverage in Associations – I Just Cannot Do It


I have these instances in my life when a thing really significant occurs and it stays with me for a long time.  Ordinarily, it is not really the genuine external occasion that will cause this baggage but my internal reaction to the scenario. I guess that’s only typical and element of being a standard, operate-of-the-mill human being…

Anyhow, let us get down to it.

A although back again, Sara and I experienced damaged up.  I felt really bad about it, but – staying the common shallow, self-serving male – it didn’t acquire lengthy for me to detect that there was a vivid aspect to the whole depressing state of affairs:  I was not in a fully commited romantic relationship any more, and I was cost-free to “play the industry.”  Woo hoo!!!  And being in the world’s most significant candy retail outlet for the one male, oh the prospects they were being so pretty varied and endless…..

A buddy of mine gave me expat gave me the number of an offered gal, so I despatched her a text stating that I am just looking to meet up with individuals and cling out now and then.  She lived an hour or so from Dumaguete, but arrives in on her one particular day off, which was just took place to be the next day.  Waking up, I took a unusual shower, dusted off my a person wonderful shirt, and we rendezvoused down at excellent ole’ Robinson’s Mall.   She was pretty lovable and has obviously dolled herself up for this celebration.  A looker for guaranteed. We chatted for a bit and I observed out that she is the oldest daughter, her young siblings are however in faculty, her more mature brother ju st form of hangs all over, and she operates 14 hour times answering phones at a massage parlor.  (No, not that type of massage parlor…)  We talked a bit about that, and – adhering to pointed inquiry from yours actually –  she admitted that she at times resents possessing to devote her dollars on necessities for the family, like meals, lease and utilities.  

She then questioned if I live by yourself, if I am permitted friends and notes that she is not going back again to her town until eventually tomorrow early morning.  



Ultimately the conversation was lagging due to her English (or maybe my absence of bisaya, illongo, or Tagalog, all of which she speaks fluently), so following an hour or so, I thanked her and headed off to do some shopping.  Afterwards I felt so bad it churned my belly. 

I am no saint – much from it.  I’ve finished some seriously messed up things in my lifestyle and hurt a great quantity of individuals.  That claimed, I just couldn’t obtain it in myself to get advantage of this sort of an obvious condition just to have myself a minimal bit of pleasurable.  This woman was wonderful and sweet but naturally determined to make a fantastic effect on me, heading so significantly as to suggest “Hey, let’s go to your place and cement this romantic relationship.” And it wasn’t due to the fact I was so gwapo or charming – it was so that she could find a person to assistance her spouse and children out economically and (possibly) improve their perceived social position.

I afterwards found out that a good quantity of these youthful female – generally the eldest daughters of the household – are underneath a good deal of tension to bring household the bacon – that’s why their 12 additionally hour days 6 or seven days a 7 days.  And of course, even while they might not work all that challenging, just standing there for 12 several hours a working day for really very little fork out is a little something in and of itself.  The much more I considered about it the additional I recognized what a staggering accountability that was – picture devoting much more of your early lifestyle to functioning lengthy several hours to choose care of your family…. Ugh.

It was a good deal for my very little Western head to just take in.

Finally the predicament left me with a few conclusions.  Initial off, I acquired large regard for these female – not just the several hours that they operate but the sacrifices that they make in furnishing for their people.  Second – and this one particular will come with a little bit of disappointment-based mostly anger – I recognized that I’m simply just not the type of individual that can use my leverage as an evidently rich (which I’m not) Kano to take advantage of the a person detail that these female have as leverage.  It’s not since of puritanical values or a lofty sense of morals (I pawned all those yrs in the past for a night time of beer and strip clubs) – it is just a little something that I cannot do.  Transactional associations just aren’t my point.  Finally, the problem still left me with a feeling of reduction – I experienced realized a little something significant about myself and now these clouds of “what if’s” could at last very clear from the sky….

It’s humorous – I was chatting about my emotions on this with a group of fellow expats this earlier week.  When a person of them asked, “What about companionship?” I replied “I’ll just get a dog…..”

One particular of the (many) items I recognize about Sara is her operate ethic and that she has a work.  She also is aware just how tiny dollars I convey in every single week, and with all the other accessible, significantly wealthier Filipinos and Westerners around, I know she is not with me just for the money.  Sara also has objectives for a profession – and I want her to go on to be monetarily impartial so that I know she’s with me for the appropriate factors.

In any case. I just wanted to say that I just cannot do it.  

I just frikken can’t.